Simple tricks to instantly feel more in control of your life

by Carolyn Hobdey, Author of ‘Redefining SELFISH’, Life Coach & Mentor

The pandemic has taught us many things, but significant amongst them is how hard we find it when we don’t feel in control of our lives. Human beings have a deep-rooted need for certainty, which dates back to early mankind when knowing how we would get food, shelter and safety was essential to survival.

It’s not surprising then that feeling out of control sends us into a spin — its hard-wired into us to feel like a matter of life or death. Therefore, when our world feels like it’s been tipped on its head or overwhelming, either at home or at work, getting a grip on the situation is vital.

Here are some top tips for how:

1. Influence versus Control — when times are tough, it’s tempting to think you have no control, when in fact you frequently have plenty. It’s important to break it down and understand the difference between what you can directly control about a situation versus what you are still able to indirectly control (i.e., influence the outcome). Write down in two columns what you can control and what you can influence and then plan from there.
2. Understand ownership — when faced with a tricky situation or person, the first thing to understand is whether this is actually your issue to deal with. If you’ve not created it or contributed to it then you need to place it at the feet of those who have. Don’t be tempted to take on fixing things that aren’t your responsibility.
3. Get perspective — when you’re in the eye of the storm it can be hard to understand which way is ‘up’, so things can seem so much worse than they actually are. Try to step back from the situation by asking yourself, what advice would I give to a friend or loved one if they were facing this? If it helps, seek perspective from someone you trust.
4. Just one thing — breaking a task or situation down into its parts helps to make it feel more manageable. Even if you don’t know what all the steps are that you’ll need to take to resolve something, just identify the very first one and take that. Then work out the next action. Doing many individual things will create progress and a sense of momentum.
5. Create a ‘car park’ — giving yourself permission to just not do some stuff for a while can give you a valuable breather to allow you to take stock, get some rest and step back from whatever it is you’re facing. Look at what you can place in the ‘car park’ for a while — things that won’t fall over or suffer if you just leave them for a few hours, days or weeks whilst you gain some balance.
6. Back to basics — if you feel anxious, overworked or undervalued in your hectic life, then be kind to yourself by just focusing on the basics — there are no prizes for self-neglect. You’ll feel more grounded if you eat properly, get to bed at a good hour and get some exercise. None of that is ‘sexy’, but all are essential for giving you a strong foundation to build from.
7. Have a sort out — when feeling overwhelmed, it can be hard to see the wood for the trees. Try writing down every activity that you have on your to-do list, placing one task per post-it note. Then draw a grid with ‘Urgent’ on one axis and ‘Important’ on the other, each one from ‘low’ to ‘high’. Then place each post-it/task onto the grid to help you understand the actual priorities of the things you have to do. Start by tackling the high urgency/high importance tasks.
8. Hand it over — are you really the only person who can sort this? Frequently our need to be in control means that we hang onto tasks longer than we should. Be ruthless with yourself. Could someone else do this? Even if you think you’re the best person for the job, it might be right for you — and for them — if you delegate it.
9. Let it go — sometimes the only option left in a situation is to just let something or someone go. That can be hard, but don’t search for closure in vain, accept that silence or you making the decision to walk away is closure in itself. This puts you back in control of your emotions and what happens next.
10. Ask for help — forget the stiff upper lip/I need to sort this nonsense. If you need help, ask for it. The truth is that when you ask someone for their help it’s a huge compliment; you’re telling them “you have something that I value”. We were never designed to get through our lives alone, it was always meant to be a team effort.

If you’re feeling out of control in your life, it’s important to remember that the reality in life is that we are all just winging it. Don’t be telling yourself that you’re the only person who doesn’t have life nailed because we all feel like we haven’t at one time or another.

by Carolyn Hobdey.

Carolyn Hobdey

Carolyn Hobdey is the author of ‘All The Twats I Met Along The Way’ and founder of the Redefining SELFISH community. She lived a life of shame and blame so is now passionate about pioneering new ways of thinking to ensure we live without guilt and regrets. As CEO of MayDey Ltd, Carolyn is a regular speaker and media commentator on issues of toxic relationships, self-esteem, women’s health (including the menopause), selfishness, narcissism and many other imperative, topical women’s issues.

With over 20 years spent as an award-winning Human Resources professional in some of the world’s largest employers, Carolyn earned a seat at the boardroom table leading internationally recognisable brands. En route, she gained a Masters in Lean Operations at Cardiff University where she was the first HR specialist to undertake the course and became the winner of the inaugural Sir Julian Hodge Prize for Logistics, Operations & Manufacturing.

Carolyn lives in Harrogate and enjoys boxing, dancing and socialising with friends.

Read more about Carolyn and her new book ‘Redefining SELFISH’ at www.carolynhobdey.com